Couples often commit to each other, believing they are soul mates. Then things change and they become just roommates.
In my work with couples certain themes appear again and again. These can help us see how two people, who were once so close, can drift so far apart.
Here are some factors:
Life got in the way – In the midst of the hustle and bustle of everyday life, couples forget about each other. When the relationship started, we took the time to talk and spend time together. That is part of the falling-in-love process: the hyper-focus on my Beloved. But once that process ends, and it always ends, the rest of life’s demands become stronger. Often the focus turns towards work, bills, kids, friends, you name it. This lead us to the second point.
Couples begin to take each other for granted – Taking each other for granted slowly eats away at any connection a couple might feel. And it is so very easy to do. There are all those other demands and priorities in our stressful lives. It is so easy to get caught up in simply getting through the day that we forget about making a life with each other. Sometimes couples use their busy schedules as an excuse. When the reality is that we have chosen to not pay attention to our partner.
Couples stop treating each other well – During the falling-in-love phase, we do all those things which endear us to our partners and which bring us closer. But when that phase ends, some succumb to the notion that all the things we used to do that brought us together are no longer necessary.
There is an old joke about an old married couple. One day the wife says to the husband: “You never tell me you love me anymore!” The husband responds “Well, dear, I told you I love you the day we got married and if anything changes, I will let you know.” For most people, this is simply not enough.
Resentments are held – Old grudges, hurts and resentments can be a cancer in the relationship, eating away at the closeness of the couple. Usually, the couple is unable to talk to each other about their hurts. Either one or the other reacts to either shut down the conversation or to escalate it. This leads us to the last factor.
Communication changes – This is the most frequent reason given by couples as a factor in the couple drifting apart. They say that they can’t talk to each other. Actually, they do talk. They just don’t like what the other is saying. Often the couple engages in repetitive, circular, escalating arguments, many times about the same things. But the issues are never resolved. Resentment and distance increases as time goes on.
It’s just a matter of time before couples drift from soul mates to room mates.
Our experienced, licensed, trained counselors can help you overcome these problems. Call for an appointment today.
Copyright by Joseph Dragun
