Ten Tips for a Great Relationship
Most tip lists tell you to argue less, share more time together, focus on the bright side of things, have date nights, and buy flowers and gifts for each other, among a whole list of other things. These are all great to do.
But these suggestions do not really get to the heart of the matter. They don’t address the real problems. Some simply don’t work.
Let me give you an example. Studies show that all couples give both positive and negative feedback to each other. Successful couples give six positive comments for each negative comment. John Gottman, the researcher, wrote that couples must have an “emotional bank account.” You need a large positive balance to offset each negative withdrawal.
So couples are told to praise each other. I was shocked to find that it simply did not work. They said they were too busy, had forgotten, or didn’t believe their partner. When I dug down deeper, the real reason came out. They were often too angry with each other to praise their partner.
Another list instructs couples to listen more closely to each other. I find that couples do listen, but they don’t like what is being said. Then they become caught up in an angry cycle of arguments.
Trying to control emotions with rational approaches doesn’t work very well. Intimate relationships are not usually based on logic. They are based on emotions. If you ignore feelings and issues raised by your partner, there are going to be problems.
This list is admittedly different. It gives both ideas and suggestions. The ideas give you a different way at looking at your problem. The suggestions are goals to work for. Warning: If you are looking for easy answers that don’t really work that well, stop reading right here. I don’t want to disappoint you. You are better off with the other top ten lists.
1. There is a lot, lot more than falling-in-love. We fall-in-love because we are genetically programmed to do so. But this intense, emotional experience fades with time in almost all relationships. It generally lasts only 18 to 24 months. So don’t get married because you fell-in-love. Just make sure there is more, a lot more, between you before you take the plunge. Don’t worry if the emotional roller-coaster goes away. It is supposed to.
2. Attachment love takes the place of falling in love. In happy, long-term relationships, couples experience a more relaxed, less intense, yet very satisfying love. It is called attachment love. Couples form a secure base with their partner. This provides a platform to work, live and love. They also form a strong emotional attachment which allows them to turn to each other for support and help. They become “best friends.” This aspect disappears when relationships are strained.
3. Most couples want closeness in a relationship. You feel trust, closeness and safety. You turn to each other for comfort and help. This is what most people yearn for in a relationship. It keeps people together for a lifetime. If you don’t want this in your relationship, stop reading and throw this report away. I cannot help you.
4. Closeness is developed during falling-in-love. During this phase, you lower your defenses. You share your feelings and find that your partner does not reject you. You become more vulnerable and share your doubts about yourself. Yet your partner still accepts you with love. A strong bond is then formed. You know you could count on him. You know she will be there for you. Trust is formed. You became “best friends.”
5. Fights are always about the love and trust in a relationship. Think of fights as opposed to disagreements. Couples can disagree about the color to paint a wall. But sometimes the disagreement becomes a “fight,” with anger and hard feelings when it is over. It is a mistake to focus just on the issue which started the fight. They can occur over anything at all. It is the meaning you give to the issue which is important.
Say Joe was late from work for the fifth time in two weeks. Once at home, he told his wife that he forgot to call. His wife could interpret it to mean that he needed help remembering things. Or his wife could interpret it to mean that he did not care enough about her to call.
Which interpretation would precipitate a fight? More than likely the second one, because she would see it as a threat to his love for her. If he does not bother to call, it means that he does not care, love or think about her the way he should. Most partners would see this as a threat and a major problem.
All fights, at the core, are about the love, respect, and/or trust you believe your partner has for you. People feel sad, hurt and fearful that their partner’s love might end. But it comes out in anger or withdrawal. Think about your last fight with your partner. What was really bothering you and did it have anything to do with how you interpreted it? Did it have to do with how he/she thought about your relationship? What do you think he/she was saying about the relationship? Ask your partner what was really bothering him or her the last time you fought.
6. Now that you know what is really bothering your partner, address it. If, using the example above, Joe now realizes that his wife doubts that he loves her, what should he do? Reassure her.
“Best Friends” give comfort to their partners when it is needed. They also give reassurance that their love is still strong. It is not enough to cook, clean, do chores, or provide a home, while expecting your partner to know that you love him or her. When your mate believes that there is a problem, it is important to acknowledge that your mate feels hurt, own up to your part in it and offer reassurance of your love.
7. Couples lose their closeness and intimacy when they get involved in repetitive fights called the “Dance.” Some couples cannot offer reassurance to each other because they get caught up in the “dance.” This is a repetitive cycle of arguments which ends in anger, resentment and hard feelings.
Two parts are usually played in the “dance.” Some people respond to the threats by complaining about it to their partner. Other people respond by withdrawing or defending themselves. In most relationships, one person usually is the pursuer/complainer and the other is the defender/withdrawer. But other combinations are possible.
One pattern works like this (variations do occur): Sheila complains about Joe again being late. Joe gets defensive and tries to explain his position. Sheila thinks Joe is ignoring her concerns and gets angry. Joe defends himself, gets angry and attacks or stalks off into the next room.
At the end you feel angry, distant and even unloved. Over a period of time, couples lose trust in each other, grow apart and even become estranged. The real problem is that you can’t talk about the issue because you accidentally trigger each other into complaining or defending/withdrawing. What is your dance and what role do you play in it?
8. Quit blaming your partner and figure out how you are being triggered. A tone of voice, language, posture, even the rolling of eyes could trigger your part of the dance. At this point, you really have no control. Once you see or hear the trigger, it is like a virus took over a computer. You become angry, defend yourself, attack your partner or shut down and withdraw.
For example, Jim recognizes that whenever his wife has a certain tone in her voice, he just wants to run away. This is Jim’s issue. Only he can learn to control it. There are feelings, thoughts and beliefs connected with Jim’s urge to run. If he can figure them out, he will discover what is driving his reactions.
Jim hears his partner’s irritated tone directed at him and interprets it to mean that she is attacking him and telling him he is a failure. He feels lousy about it and automatically responds by clamming up or leaving the room. It occurs so fast that most people don’t even realize what they are experiencing. That is why it is important to slow down and figure it out. What is your trigger? What thoughts and feelings drive your reactions?
9. Once you figure it out, tell your partner about it, especially when you feel triggered and fall into the dance. Many people fear this step. It involves being vulnerable and opening up to your partner. And who knows how your mate will respond?
Yet you were able to share when you were falling-in-love. That led to your becoming close in the first place. Sharing, even now, often leads to greater closeness and intimacy. Try sharing a little bit; take a little risk. See how your partner responds. If a good conversation follows, maybe you can share a little more. If it turned out bad, then maybe it is too risky to share what you have learned. Either work on it some more or consider seeing a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples.
10. Pay attention to your partner every day. Does this one really need any explanation?
Copyright 2007 by Joseph Dragun